first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
