When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just blew my weed a kiss
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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