There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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