apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
