About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
