Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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