hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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