a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
