she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
