I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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