Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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