but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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