So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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