she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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