Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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