i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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