so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
