Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
