Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize