We won't sleep together?
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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