I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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