hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Farmville is her only friend.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
