so that wasnt chicken after all
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
