do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize