so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
