there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
