I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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