Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
