my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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