He told me they were just razor bumps!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
