did you get engaged???
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
