I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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