I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
