She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
