No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You have to summon your inner elephant
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
