Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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