i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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