i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
