Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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