I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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