I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
