note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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