i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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