I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
