my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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