I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
