pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
