i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
