You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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