you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
