I wish I could punch you in the face.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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