hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
