i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Found your dick twin last night
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
