don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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