Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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