so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
