i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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