I feel great
I just peed on a car
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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