when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
