One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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