Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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