we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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