Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
