I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize