You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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