Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
