how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
