shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize